Playing the Fool!

Or, what can happen if you try to fool a wizard.

A little humourous fantasy for you today!

Being a wizard’s apprentice was a difficult job. Passing yourself off as a wizard’s apprentice moreso. I spent almost a month getting to know Jaynathan Grubbottom. He was no slouch as an apprentice having won last season’s Wizard’s Apprentice hands down. And I don’t have to tell you it’s a cutthroat competition. The third-place apprentice literally cut the second-place apprentice’s throat two years ago. Getting to know this talented young man required buying him round after round of Dank Shroom Ale and shot after shot of Dragon’s Breath whiskey. How was I to know that in addition to being a talented apprentice, he also had a liver that would make a dwarf proud? The whole time, I told him I wanted to know what it was like to be an apprentice, especially to a wizard as amazing as Gortho the Amazing.

Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash

I spent much of the time memorizing his little tics, how he walked, how he ate and drank. I’d be able to mimic his appearance easily enough. The Ring of Appearance Duplication I’d had for years had been expensive, but it paid for itself after three jobs. I’d been hired as a stand-in for King Dorian the Odd. His oddity, it turned out, was a massive collection of glass slippers from the dozens of fair maidens he’d courted in his younger days. I managed to swipe the Key of Destiny from Eldrack, Son of Darkness by acting as his mother-in-law. I had to learn her borscht recipe. The secret is broasting baby beats. My biggest coup to date had been seducing Marduke, scion of the Darkhammers - one of the oldest and most noble dwarven families there is. (I developed a severe rash on my thighs from his beard.) The seduction wasn’t the end game, mind you. It was my part in a kidnapping scheme for which they paid me handsomely. A lot of that money went to thigh cream.

None of those jobs had a payday like the one I anticipated from this job, though. Jaynathan was the only person besides Gortho who had access to Gortho’s library. In that library was the Grimoire of the Mastery of Annihilation by the Sacred Fire Raining from the Sky. Now you might think, “Why would I want anyone other than a stand-up guy like Gortho to have a book like the Grimoire of the Mastery of Annihilation by the Sacred Fire Raining from the Sky?” And I agree with you. Except, I’m getting the book for the Paladins of the Order of the Undying Radiance and the Exorcising of Demons. POURED doesn’t believe anyone should have a book like the Grimoire of the Mastery of Annihilation by the Sacred Fire Raining from the Sky, not even a stand-up guy like Gortho. It’s too risky.

So, the day finally came when I felt like I had Jaynathan’s body language and speech patterns down pat. The trick was to wear your clothes like you were inconveniencing them and to talk like you had three marbles in your mouth. The ring would handle the rest. I got him to come out with me one more time and got him stonking drunk on Nora’s Elderberry Fire. Let me tell you, Nora is one hell of a distiller. She turns elderberry juice into something that will make your brain into porridge. Thankfully, before we started, I had sniffed Mazzle’s Powder of Clear Mindedness. It turns your piss green, but no drug or drink known will affect you for twelve hours. Except for Dwarven Ale, but that stuff’s illegal for any non-dwarf to consume.

Once he was completely blasted, I dropped him into my Portable Hole That Totally Doesn’t Break Copyright Laws making sure I tied him up first. There was enough air in there for him to survive for eight hours. Probably. If he didn’t hyperventilate.

With the hole tucked in my pocket (note to self, talk to its maker and see if she wants to market it as the Pocket Hole), I walked to Gortho’s tower. Once there, an eye at the top of the arched door. confronted me It was made from several intricately cut gemstones and all in all was as big as my head.

“Stop and be recognized.” The booming voice came from the eye. It flashed red three times. The whole effect made it seem like the eye thought itself very important. “I’m a very important Eye.”

I’ve been an… acquirer of things for a long, LONG time. Hell, I’ve even been accused of being a hoarder. As a result, I’ve developed nerves of mithril. Even I sweated a little under the baleful glare of the Eye.

“You are Jaynathan and you are late.” The eye sounded very cross. The door began to grind open. “The master is at the top of the tower.”

I nodded and ran inside, not taking any time to examine the entranceway. There was a set of stairs to my left, and they appeared to spiral up the outer wall of the tower. As I took them two at a time, I passed three floors and one observation deck. It was a very generic tower, as is often the case in these tales. Especially when one wants to get to the important bits. At the top of the stairs, an imposing wooden door bound in iron stopped my advance. I knocked five times in the traditional pattern.

It opened inward silently and warm light spilled out. “Come in, Jaynathan.” The voice was younger sounding than I expected. I had envisioned Gortho as a wizened wizard.

I entered and saw a man in his middle years, wearing a blue robe covered in mystical symbols. Pince-nez glasses made his blue eyes a little owlish. The unkempt nature of his shoulder-length dark hair made him seem younger. It nearly hid an unsightly scar on his forehead. He had a thick book open in his lap.

The pit of my stomach sunk a little, but I didn’t let it show. “Hello, master. I’m sorry I’m late.”

“It’s quite alright, young man.” Gortho the Amazing adjusted his glasses. “As far as I’m concerned you’re right on time.” He waved his hand and spoke a word that rumbled through the air. The stones of the floor vibrated beneath our feet.

I was suddenly caught in some kind of localized whirlwind or vortex. I didn’t know what to call it. All I knew was, I couldn’t move. I could breathe, see, and hear fine. “What’s this about, master? Are you unhappy with me?” I tried to keep my voice as peevish as Jaynathan’s was.

“First of all, Jaynathan never called me ‘master’. I don’t believe in that sort of relationship between teacher and student.” He set the book aside and stood up. He must have been sitting on a few cushions because I believe he was actually shorter once he stood.

Great. Leave it to me to find the one wizard who wasn’t a control freak with their apprentice. I said nothing, letting him continue while I tried to figure out what to do next. I hadn’t anticipated my cover being blown quite so quickly.

“Second, you are using a Ring of Appearance Duplication.” He tapped the little glasses. “While that ring is ordinarily hard to detect, I made these glasses specifically to see through those sorts of illusions. It turns out that I’m a better enchanter than your ring maker was. Still, they did do a fine job.”

“Well, what can I say except stratego reversum.” I shouted the incantation as loud as I could. I felt the mystical vortex dissipate from around me and saw it coalesce around Gortho. I mimed dusting my hands off. “That seemed to do the trick.”

“Very well done,” Gortho said, a little too calm for my taste. “Banisho vortexum.” And with that, the vortex was gone from around him. “We could do this all day. You are the one they call Capsico the Irritating, are you not?”

I grimaced. “That is what some call me.” It wasn’t a nickname I was fond of.

Gortho picked up what I was giving off. “We don’t get to pick our reputations I suppose. I tell you what. What are the Paladins of the Light of Order and Undying Goodness and Hopefullness paying you?”

“Well, it goes against my code to tell you if you’re right about who my client is. But I can tell you I’m getting ten thousand platinum dragons for my troubles.” I was only getting seventy-five hundred, but what’s a little fib between thief and victim? That and PLOUGH were a bunch of wankers.

“I’m willing to pay you eleven thousand dragons to make yourself scarce. Leave the country for a year or two. Come back with a new identity, if you like. Or retire. I’ll take a meeting with the Order and we’ll settle our grievances like the honorable sentient beings we are.” There was something slithering behind his eyes when he spoke that last sentence.

Gortho seemed like a stand-up guy, but he also seemed like someone you didn’t want to anger. And it wouldn’t be the first time I’d taken a bribe to skip stealing an artifact. I’d be thirty-five hundred to the good on this and like Gortho said, I could retire. But I didn’t want to retire. I also wasn’t too keen on the idea of something or someone who carried that much malice around in their soul to keep a book like the Grimoire of the Mastery of Annihilation. Damn it.

“Formatus Draconis.” I felt my body begin to grow and scales erupted from my skin. Jagged teeth filled my mouth and smoke poured from my nostrils. “Maybe we should settle this here and now. Like the honorable sentient beings we are.” I didn’t like my name Capsico the Irritating. I much preferred my true name. Longfang the Silver.

It’s a zombie horror comic!